I Walk Alone
by Lady of Myth and Legends
Summary: Merlin ponders on his Destiny & wonders why everyone close to his heart always ends up dying: Will, Balinor, Freya. He wonders if his efforts truly make a difference in the world. Set after 3x10.


**Hello, Lady of Myth and Legends here. I must tell you, I'm a HUGE fan of Merlin. Love it! Well, I remember in one episode Merlin yelled at Gaius because he was tired of being the one to save the day all the time and that he was pretty much tired of hiding who he really was. That and he felt that no matter how Arthur found out, he would never except Merlin for all the _GOOD_ things he does with magic. Well, that inspired this songfic of mine. I hope you like it. Takes place after season 3 episode 10: Queen of Hearts**_._

**DISCLAIMER: By the way, I own nothing. I don't own Merlin or Green Day or Boulevard of Broken Dreams or the BBC. But I wish I owned Merlin. I LOVE his ears! So cute.**

**I also wish to thank my following reviewers on their words of kindness, support, and support:**

**Lady Willamina: **"Merlin's mood changes were really well done. His progression from annoyed / flabbergasted into anger, then pain / loss, then into a pragmatic state where he knew he could not avoid his destiny, then finally into determination and commitment to do all he could for Arthur and Camelot, was quite convincing. What a life!"

**valuablenicola: **"Nice story. I thought you captured Merlin well and his thoughts were a good portrayal of what someone who had been through all that would be feeling. Great Job."

**miskris95: **"aaaawwww that was cute! i loved the humor that you added in there it was just hilarious and great song choice it fit extremely well. great job!"

**Raph'sNinjaGirl (my sister who I wish to express my up most thanks): **"That's really good Lady. But don't forget to write some more."

**and Merlin Lover: **"This is awesome I love it : D I would love to hear more from you xxx."

**THANK YOU EVERYONE!  
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Story Start:

**_I walk a lonely road  
>The only one that I have ever known<br>Don't know where it goes  
>But it's home to me and I walk alone<em>**

He had his good days, he had his bad days. Then, on occasions, he had really bad, Camelot-almost-falling-into-hell-Arthur-almost-getting-himself-killed-Morgana-trying-to-take-over-the-world-Kilgharrah-jumping-down-his-throat-and-almost-frying-him-to-a-crisp kind of days. Yeah that and the fact that no matter what he did or how much he saved Camelot and Arthur, he still was Emrys.

The most powerful Warlock to ever live. That meant he, Merlin, could tell no one who he truly was or what really happen all those times where Camelot was "Doomed" or that it was he that who saved Camelot from being "Blown Off The Face Of The Earth". Not even Gaius could ever hope to understand how truly alone he felt.

**_I walk this empty street  
>On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams<br>When the city sleeps  
>And I'm the only one and I walk alone<em>**

It was a calm, cool night in Camelot. Nothing life-threatening had happened in a whole week. (_shock! Could Camelot's bad luck be lifting? No a chance in hell_) Much to Merlin's surprise, Arthur hadn't yelled (_he shouted_), thrown any mugs at him (_he threw a muddy boot, a shield, and a pair of his own underwear_), and he hadn't been called an idiot (_nah, he was called a yellow-bellied, Total Buffoon, useless pile of. . . well, we'll leave it at that_).

No, Arthur had been much worse this week. Probably due to the fact that Gwen had almost been banished from Camelot for placing an "enchantment" on Arthur and that this Dragoon the Great (_a.k.a. Merlin_) had been the real culprit (_Not! Morgana was responsible. Never would have guessed_) and had escaped being burned at the stake. Yeah, all in all, a bad week.

**_I walk alone  
>I walk alone<br>I walk alone  
>I walk a . . .<em>**

Today was just one of the rare, very few days where he, Merlin, just had it up to here with his Destiny. Why did he have to save Camelot over and over and over again? Sure, he was powerful. Okay, so maybe he was the only one that had the guts to go out and do all the dangerous, crazy, are-you-really-asking-for-a-death-wish quests that involved dark magic that could take your head off without you so much as blinking. Why did he have to sacrifice so much for his stupid, demanding Destiny? Why did the deaths of Will, His father, and Freya have to save him or Arthur or Camelot or Uther or Gwen or . . or . . just _WHY?_

**_My shadow's the only one that walks beside me  
>My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating<br>Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me  
>'til then I walk alone<em>**

Will died protecting Arthur and took the fall for Merlin for having magic. Though he died honorably, it still hurt him that his best friend since childhood had to die. He was the only one who knew about his (_Merlin's_) magic and excepted it (_this was before he came to Camelot_). Even though Will's death did end up saving Arthur (_saving Arthur from becoming a pincushion_) and himself (_from having his head chopped off with a rusted axe. Ouch)_. His father, the last Dragonlord, died protecting the son he never knew from a damn sword.

Hell, he was more powerful than his father and he couldn't stop a sword? Well, if one looked at the WHOLE picture, his father had to die in order to pass on the Dragonlord's power. But still! He should have been able to save his own father! I mean com'on! Well, the death of his father only added to Merlin's own power, but that wasn't the point. He didn't want more power! All he wanted was peace and the ones that he cared about to _LIVE!_

**A_h-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, aaah-ah,_**  
><strong><em>Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah<em>**

Was that sooo much to ask for? For whatever family or friends he had_ to live_. Why was keeping the ones _HE_ cared for such a problem? Such a struggle. Even his mother had been targeted and all it took to save _HER_ was for Gaius to sacrifice himself! Then he had to go to the Isle of the Blessed to save _HIM_! He never regretted saving any one (_except maybe Morgana_), he never felt bitter about sacrificing his **_OWN_** life. But _WHY_ did the ones _HE_ loved, that _HE_ cared for, _DIE_! Why did they have to take his place? **_IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT!_**

**_I'm walking down the line That divides me somewhere in my mind  
>On the border line<br>Of the edge and where I walk alone_**

Merlin kicked a stone and watched roll down the path in front of him. He was done with his chores and Arthur had put up with him enough for one day. It was just after twilight, not a soul was out. All he wanted was some peace and quiet for an hour or two. He continued walking, until he was just outside of Camelot's gates (_slipping past the guards these days was just too easy_). He sat down on a boulder and put his head in his hands. He was just tired of being Emrys, or being the Almighty, Great and Powerful Warlock from the Druid prophecies. Tonight, he just wanted to be Merlin. Plain, ole', clumsy, back talking, sharp-tongued Merlin.

**_Read between the lines_**  
><strong><em>What's fucked up when everything's alright<em>**  
><strong><em>Check my vital signs<em>**  
><strong><em>To know I'm still alive and I walk alone<em>**

He was still Merlin. That side, the clumsy, back-talking, sharp-tongued, side was still a large part of him. So was his magic. He _WAS_ magic. No amount of wishing (_no matter how strong or how hard_) was going to change that. It was something he could never change, even if he wanted to. And believe me, there were days he wished he didn't have this Destiny hanging over his head like an axe. He himself was a doubled-edge sword. Damned if he was born, damned if he wasn't. Okay, so maybe**_ HE_** wasn't damned if he wasn't born, but Camelot and Arthur sure **_WERE_**! That just annoyed the hell out of him sometimes. His sole purpose in life was to protect and defend Camelot and Arthur. It didn't matter if one of **_HIS_** relatives or friends (_except Arthur_) were **_DYING!_**

**_I walk alone_**  
><strong><em>I walk alone<em>**  
><strong><em>I walk alone<em>**  
><strong><em>I walk a . . .<em>**

Then, there was Freya. His Freya. So the girl was cursed. So what? All she was guilty of was being scarred, alone, and brokenhearted. The only reason why she was cursed in the first place was because some filthy, dirty ruffian tried to hurt her and she defended herself! Since when on God's green earth _was that a crime?_ Then the guy's mother just **_happens_** to be a damned sorceress and curses Freya to kill forevermore! She was the only one who ever truly understood him. Besides his mother of course. Freya loved him for him, Merlin, magic included and he loved her, giant black panther with wings included.

**_My shadow's the only one that walks beside me_**  
><strong><em>My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating<em>**  
><strong><em>Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me<em>**  
><strong><em>'til then I walk alone<em>**

It hurt. So very much. Sometimes the pain would get so bad that all he wanted to do was curl up in a dark hole and lay there for eternity. But, he couldn't. Arthur and Camelot still needed him. Morgana and Morgause were still out there (_well technically Morgana was INSIDE Camelot_) plotting some plot for ultimate take over or something of the sort. Then there where other threats from random sorcerers, witches, and deadly beasts. Then there was the threat of Arthur's own stupidity. How many times had he threatened Camelot just by slaying Unicorns or whatnot? Too many to count.

**_Ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, aaah-ah_**  
><strong><em>Ah-ah, ah-ah<em>**

**_I walk alone_**  
><strong><em>I walk a . . .<em>**

He couldn't just give up because he was feeling the pain of loss. Yeah, he might want to. Okay lets face it, some days he **_REALLY_** wanted to. But, he was Camelot's best defense against anything that resembled magic. After all, it was up to him on whether Camelot fell or thrived. Whether Arthur lived or perished. With that kind of burden on his shoulders, he couldn't afford to fail. He couldn't allow himself to give up or quit.

**_I walk this empty street_**  
><strong><em>On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams<em>**  
><strong><em>When the city sleeps<em>**  
><strong><em>And I'm the only one and I walk a . . .<em>**

He walked alone on this path. Not just tonight, under the bright light of the moon and stars. But every night, and every day. Yet, he couldn't give in. He had to keep going. No matter his own pain, he had to keep on the path that was given to him. If he strayed, Arthur and Camelot would fall. He couldn't allow that to come to pass. The Druids believed in him, Gaius believed in him, his mother, even his father had. And Freya. What would she think of him if he just have up? She who encouraged him, loved him with all her heart. If she saw him now like this, what would she say? What would she do?

**_My shadow's the only one that walks beside me_**  
><strong><em>My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating<em>**  
><strong><em>Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me<em>**  
><strong><em>'til then I walk alone . . .<em>**

No. He, Merlin, would not go down in history as the Warlock who failed at his charge. He, Emrys, would fight until there was no longer a breath in his battered, lanky, body. He would fight to protect Arthur and Camelot no matter what. He would not fail. Not his mother, not Gaius, not Will, not his father, not Gwaine, not Gwen, not Camelot, and certainly not Arthur. He couldn't bare it if Arthur saw him fail. No, he may walk this path alone, but there was no way in hell that he would turn his back on his Destiny. Even if it was a selfish, demanding, prick of a Destiny.

He would fight until Morgana and Morgause were no longer a threat to Arthur. He would fight every demon from hell if he had to. Every witch, sorcerer, and creature that meant Camelot ill will, will face him and crumble. Because he, Merlin Emrys would not allow harm to come to the family and friends he still had. He had a future to protect and protect it he shall.

For the love of Camelot! And for the love of Freya, he shall be victorious.

**Well? Good? Not good? Feedback would be nice. Thanks for reading and don't forget to R & R. Flames will be used to cook waffles.  
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